Original Usenet thread from alt.ascii-art, started 8 Jun 1997.
Dust Off Your Funny Bone
alt.ascii-art
· 30 messages · 8 Jun 1997 - 9 Apr 1998
Sample...
_______ _
|__ __| |
| | | |__ ___
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/
| |
| \_, This is a sample of the humor and art of The Funny Bone,
| | a free weekly e-mailing of jokes and funny stories, il-
| | lustrated with the original ASCII artwork of Joan Stark.
.' \ If you enjoy this and would like to have The Funny Bone
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A Catholic minister went into deepest Africa in an attempt to work with
and convert the tribe to the Catholic religion. He wasn't able to speak
the language very well, so he hired a member of the tribe to translate
what he wanted to say to the tribe. He asked for and received per-
mission from the Chief of the tribe, to speak to the whole tribal pop-
ulation at once. He got up on a very large boulder that overlooked the
central area of the tribal village. As he spoke, his translator was by
his side on the boulder, and he translated all that the minister was
saying.
\\\\\////// "If you let me- I will show you how
\\\\\\////// to dig in the ground and get good
[[[[[[[]]]]]]]] water to drink and cook with".
/////////\\\\\\ "Hoon-gow-wa!" was the large
/\ //// ~0 ( 0~ \\\\ response from the tribespeople.
/ \ //(, 8-_\-8 ,)\\
/ \ //|\ .===. /|\\ "I can show you how you can capture
|/||\| \ '===' /* animals without leaving your village".
|| \__.__/ "Hoon-gow-wa" shouted all the tribe!!
_.=||=._ .---'@ @'---. (By this time-the minister was very
/| || |\ / '@ @' \ happy with his effort)
_||_ / . Y . _/\
/ _))-' /|'---{@}---'|\_/\ "And if you will let me- I will show
| _) _.' | --:-- | \ \ you a way to make peace with the other
\___)-' | --:-- | \ \ tribes that are trying to take your
|| ; --:-- ; / / land and your women". "HOON-GOW-WA"
|| \____.____/ / / was the enormous response, that was
|| .{{{{{{{{}}}}}/ /` so loud, that it scared away the wild
|| {{{{{{{{{{{{{}} | birds in the nearby trees!
|| {}}}}}}}}}}}}}}_/
|| {{{{{{{{{{{{{{} This was the end of his talk and he
|| {}}}}}}}}}}}}}} was a large feast and much dancing.
|| '{}}}}}}}}}}}}' The minister was well received by the
|| | | | tribe-indeed! Later that afternoon,
|| | | | the translator came up to the minister
|| | | | and said "The Chief of our people said
|| | | | that you have given him much joy. As
|| |'-'|'-'| a sign of his appreciation, he would
|| | | | like to take you on a tour of animals
|| | | | and tribal land".
|| |___| |
|| (___) } Well, the Minister was absolutely
|| / | \ delighted at the acceptance that he
jgs || (oooO Oooo) had been shown! He thanked the Chief
and told him that he felt honored by
the Chiefs offer. So the Chief, Minister, translator, and four warriors
went walking through the small kingdom. As the Chief gave the minister
the guided tour, the translator explained the different places that the
Chief was showing the minister. He was shown a large sparkling stream-
that was their water source. They all walked up a steep knoll that
overlooked a large area that was bountiful in deer & elk- that was the
meat supply. Then after another hour of walking, the party came on a
very large lush green pasture that looked to have about a 100 cows (to
the best guess of the Minister), the Chief said something to the trans-
lator and pointed, and the Minister asked "What did he say?"
"My Chief tells you to watch your step on this path, and to be careful
not to step in the Hoon-Gow-Wa".
_ .-.
John Nunley <jok...@funnybone.com> ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
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In a message of 12 Jun 97 John Nunley wrote to All:
JN> write <sub...@funnybone.com> to subscribe | |
I wrote to this, but I didn't get a reply?!
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| | | |__ ___
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
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`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
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| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/
| |
| \_, This is a sample of the humor and art of The Funny Bone,
| | a free weekly e-mailing of jokes and funny stories, il-
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There Once was _(\_/) Once there was a farmer who
a farmer... ,((((^`\ couldn't distinguish between
(((( (6 \ his 2 horses. Since he did-
,((((( , \ n't know what to do he asked
,,,_ ,((((( /"._ ,`, his neighbor for an advice.
((((\\ ,... ,(((( / `-.-'
))) ;' `"'"'""(((( ( "Why don't you trim the tail
((( / ((( \ of one of the horses", ad-
)) | | vised the neighbor.
(( | . ' |
)) \ _ ' `t ,.') "You are a very clever man",
( | y;- -,-""'"-.\ \/ said the farmer.
) / ./ ) / `\ \
|./ ( ( / /' For a couple of months it was
|| \\ //'| all right, but then the tail
jgs || \\ _//'|| grew back to its normal size.
|| )) |_/ ||
\_\ |_/ || "You'd better trim the mane
`'" \_\ of one of the horses", ad-
`'" vised again the neighbor.
For another couple of months it was ok, but then the mane grew back.
"I think the best thing to do is to look for something characteristic
that doesn't vary with the time, like the height of the horses", said
the neighbor.
"You are a very wise man, I'll measure it and tell you about it."
After a few hours the farmer returned to his neighbor:
"You were perfectly right, I've measured their height and indeed the
white horse is 3 inches taller than the black one."
_ .-.
John Nunley <jok...@funnybone.com> ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
Write to <sub...@funnybone.com> to learn more | |
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instructions automatically e-mailed to you. _|66 |
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/ '.
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http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'
Veronica Karlsson wrote: > > John Nunley wrote: > [ 8< ] > > ,\ A Rabbit Meal... > > \\\,_ > > \` ,\ A man enters a restaurant and orders a > > __,.-" =__) rabbit meal. The meal comes and man > > jgs ." ) begin to eat. But he feels that it tastes > > _/ , \/\_ different than rabbit meat. He calls the > > {_| )_-\ \_-` chef and asks if the meal is really made > > `-----` `--` of rabbit. > > ,)))))))),,, > > The chef says with shame, "Excuse me sir, ,(((((((((((((((, > > as you know the rabbit meat is very )\`\)))))))))))))), > > expensive, so we add some horse meat /// _ ``((((((((( > > to it." \\\ b\ \ ``))))))) > > ))\ | ((((((((( > > The man gets angry; "How much do you add?" ( \ |`. )))))))) > > \, / ) ((((((((( > > The chef answers; "fifty percent rabbit, `" / ))))))) > > fifty percent horse." / ((((`` > > | )) > > The man says; "What do you mean by fifty-fifty?" jgs \ > > > > The chef's face gets red, "1 rabbit, 1 horse ...." > > > [ 8< ] > > Eat rabbit meat? I have eaten horse meat many times but never rabbit > meat, what does it taste like? > > -- > :) > Veronica Karlsson > ( e93...@sm.luth.se http://www.ludd.luth.se/~vk/ ) It tastes like chicken (but alas, I can't draw one yet :-() Sandra -o-()-o-()-o-()-o-()-o-()-o-()-o-()-o-()-o-()-o-()-o-()-o-()-o- .-===-. \'-=-'/ Sandra Lee Wollin \\|// SLW...@worldnet.att.net \Y/ .-'`^`'-. Vintage & Costume Jewelry jgs -o-()-o-()-o-()-o-()-o-()-o-()-o-()-o-()-o-()-o-()-o-()-o-()-o-
John Nunley wrote: [ 8< ] > ,\ A Rabbit Meal... > \\\,_ > \` ,\ A man enters a restaurant and orders a > __,.-" =__) rabbit meal. The meal comes and man > jgs ." ) begin to eat. But he feels that it tastes > _/ , \/\_ different than rabbit meat. He calls the > {_| )_-\ \_-` chef and asks if the meal is really made > `-----` `--` of rabbit. > ,)))))))),,, > The chef says with shame, "Excuse me sir, ,(((((((((((((((, > as you know the rabbit meat is very )\`\)))))))))))))), > expensive, so we add some horse meat /// _ ``((((((((( > to it." \\\ b\ \ ``))))))) > ))\ | ((((((((( > The man gets angry; "How much do you add?" ( \ |`. )))))))) > \, / ) ((((((((( > The chef answers; "fifty percent rabbit, `" / ))))))) > fifty percent horse." / ((((`` > | )) > The man says; "What do you mean by fifty-fifty?" jgs \ > > The chef's face gets red, "1 rabbit, 1 horse ...." > [ 8< ] Eat rabbit meat? I have eaten horse meat many times but never rabbit meat, what does it taste like? -- :) Veronica Karlsson ( e93...@sm.luth.se http://www.ludd.luth.se/~vk/ )
In article <33C...@nospam.sm.luth.se>, Veronica Karlsson <e93...@nospam.sm.luth.se> writes: > >Eat rabbit meat? I have eaten horse meat many times but never rabbit >meat, what does it taste like? Light tasting meat like chicken. It's a long time since I've had any. We have a thing against eating horse over here for some reason though; at least humans do, they put lots of it in catfood. Horse supposedly tatses much like beef, except some people are allergic to it. I don't suppose you eat (shudder) mooses.... -- ^-^-^-@@-^-;-^ http://www.xemu.demon.co.uk/ (..)__u news:alt.smoking.mooses
Welcome To... _______ _
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| | | |__ ___
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/
| |
| \_, This is a sample of the humor and art of The Funny Bone,
| | a free weekly e-mailing of jokes and funny stories, il-
| | lustrated with the original ASCII artwork of Joan Stark.
.' \ If you enjoy this and would like to have The Funny Bone
( , ) e-mailed to you each week, free of charge, then follow
'--' '-' the subscription instructions in the signature.
General Stupidity `
~ `-. .---.
Three janitors at an elementary school . ~= -o |
in Ceres, California, tried to freeze a gopher ~` |___|
to death by spraying it with a solvent that .' _____|_____
freezes gum and wax so it can be peeled or | |
chipped away. Jeff Davis, 35, said he and his |~~~~~~~~~~~|
colleagues had sprayed several cans of the gum | |
remover on the gopher inside a small, poorly | c---c |
ventilated utility room with the doors closed | /o o\ |
when one of them tried to light a cigarette. | (= T =) |
Sparks from the lighter ignited the solvent, | '-W-' |
causing an explosion that blew the janitors out | |
of the utility room, sending them and 16 pupils | |
to the hospital. The gopher survived and was | |
later released in a field. Ceres Unified School | |
District Superintendent Bruce Newlin commented |~~~~~~~~~~~|
that the men "used extraordinarily poor jgs`-=========-`
judgment."
,.
(\(\) Six people drowned while trying to rescue
,_ ; o > a chicken that fell down a 60-foot well
{`-. / (_) in the Egyptian village of Nazlat Imara.
`={\`-._____/` |
`-{ / -=`\ | Police said an 18-year-old farmer, his
`={ -= = _/ / sister, two brothers and two elderly
`\ .-' /` farmers that came to help, climbed down
{`-,__.'===,_ one by one, but all drowned, apparently
//` `\\ after being pulled down in the water
jgs // by an undercurrent.
`\=
_ .-.
John Nunley <jok...@funnybone.com> ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
Write to <sub...@funnybone.com> to learn more | |
about the Funny Bone and to have subscription | |
instructions automatically e-mailed to you. _|66 |
(__, |
For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)|
http://www.funnybone.com | |
,_/ |
ASCII Art by Joan Stark | |
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | |
/ '.
The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , )
http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'
Dave Bird---St Hippo of Augustine wrote: > > In article <33C...@nospam.sm.luth.se>, > Veronica Karlsson <e93...@nospam.sm.luth.se> writes: > > > >Eat rabbit meat? I have eaten horse meat many times but never rabbit > >meat, what does it taste like? > > Light tasting meat like chicken. It's a long time since I've had any. > We have a thing against eating horse over here for some reason though; Possibly for the same reason I find it very strange to imagine eating nice furry little pets with long ears... :) > at least humans do, they put lots of it in catfood. Horse supposedly > tatses much like beef, except some people are allergic to it. Never heard of that (and I live in a country where you can buy horse meat in any ordinairy shop... or maybe the allergy is of the mental kind?) > I don't suppose you eat (shudder) mooses.... > yes, we do (the moose hunting season is in September and October I tink) -- :) Veronica Karlsson ( e93...@sm.luth.se http://www.ludd.luth.se/~vk/ )
Spunk1111 wrote: > > In article <33C...@nospam.sm.luth.se>, Veronica Karlsson > <e93...@nospam.sm.luth.se> writes: > > >They had an "Australian week" in one of the school restaurants here a > >while ago and they served kangaroo burgers one day (I didn't buy one). > > While visiting Florida last summer, our family enjoyed alligator bites... > A little on the tough side but tasty. Who did the biting, you or the alligator? -- :) Veronica Karlsson ( e93...@sm.luth.se http://www.ludd.luth.se/~vk/ )
Re: Re: Dust Off Your Funny Bone > "hamburger" made from moose-meat. (Small town Canada, sue me)... It was > the juiciest thing I've ever had. Really good. > > I don't suppose you eat (shudder) mooses.... Very common up here in Maine. -CC- #! rnews 1473 Path:
In article <owY...@xemu.demon.co.uk>, Dave Bird---St Hippo of Augustine <dav...@xemu.demon.co.uk> wrote: > > In article <01bc92c0$092f4440$c41...@flynnmh.voicenet.com>, > Geni <777...@weirdness.com> writes: > >: On Wed, 16 Jul 1997, Dave Bird---St Hippo of Augustine wrote: > >: > >: > I don't suppose you eat (shudder) mooses.... > >: > >Yikes! I'm going to go up to Canada for a week in August (to see some > >cyber-friends). I sure hope the don't serve that to eat! > > My moose isn't going to Canada in that case...... > > -- > ^-^-^-@@-^-;-^ http://www.xemu.demon.co.uk/ > `-----(..)__u news:alt.smoking.mooses > |____|__| > | | [__]--<Miami] And I've heard there are some places in the world that people eat lizards too. !!! ^^^^%--- " \ Yikes! How barbaric. (As an experiment to see if this post goes international, I'm not e-mailing as well.) NOTE: If you hit the reply button, add an "e" to the "freent"; its absense is to stop the torment of automatic mailers. -- ( llizard aka ejm | cq5...@freenet.toronto.on.ca w \ ,^%--- www.geocities.com/SoHo/Studios/9334/ |__\> \ ____ > I must confess that I have had moose [____]_>,^ on more than one occasion and LIKED ejm97 | //|| | it too! (Sorry, Dave, but I am Canadian)
Colin Douthwaite wrote: [ 8< ] > > Just a little diddle or two...and voila!...we have an Alliburger... > > _....----"""----...._ > .-' o o o o '-. > / o o o o \ ___ > _ _ /__o___o_ _ _ _ _ o_ o_ _ _o_\ [===] > / \/ \-._ .-'^'^^^'^^'^^"^^'-. | | > .OO.----'\x/\x/ `-' ^^-._ | | > ( ` \ \ / _ ^^-._ | | > VvvvvvvVvv`___...)_/ /_/_/_/_/_/_/_/\ (__________^^-. | | > `^^^^^^^^` \~ / /_.`-~`._.~`-`~. > > ~`-`/ _`) ) / \ > After \ (((` (((` / `'--'^ / \ > jgs `-._______________________.-' /~~~~~~~~~\ > | ~ ~ ~ | > |---------| > Don't swamp it | TOMATO | > with too much | KETCHUP | > tomato ketchup. |---------| > | ~ ~ | > | ~ ~ | > |_________| > I guess the obvious reply to that one is to make a moose burger: _....----"""----...._ .-' o o o o '-. / o o o o \ /__o___o___________o__o_____o_\ \\\__ /// / ______ \_____ /++ `--' _______E _______E ( - /____________E__________E \~`-`.__.`-~`._.~`-`~.-~.__.~`-`/ \ / `-._______________________.-' and a horseburger (after all that is how this thread started): _....----"""----...._ .-' o o o o '-. / o o o o \ /__o___o___________o__o_____o_\ A_A / ______ \_____ /++ `--' _______D _______D ( - /____________D__________D \~`-`.__.`-~`._.~`-`~.-~.__.~`-`/ \ / `-._______________________.-' and finally, a kangaroo burger: _....----"""----...._ .-' o o o o '-. / o o o o \ /__o___o___________o__o_____o_\ __ / ___ _____._`. /++ `-' ____) | (______(_)`. \-_/_________)__/_(______(_) ` \~`-`.__.`-~`._.~`-`~.-~.__.~`-`/| ) \ / (/ `-._______________________.-' (With Joan's original Spunk burger, the four above, previous llizardburgers, frogburgers, antburgers etc, how many different types of "burgers" have we seen by now?) -- :) Veronica Karlsson ( e93...@sm.luth.se http://www.ludd.luth.se/~vk/ )
Veronica Karlsson wrote:
[ 8< ]
Ooops! I see I forgot the rabbit burger:
_....----"""----...._
.-' o o o o '-.
/ o o o o \
/__o___o___________o__o_____o_\
(___ + . ____) _______)
(____ +_'________)______________)
\~`-`.__.`-~`._.~`-`~.-~.__.~`-`/
\ spu...@juno.com /
`-._______________________.-'
--
:)
Veronica Karlsson
( e93...@sm.luth.se http://www.ludd.luth.se/~vk/ )
llizard <cq5...@freent.toronto.on.ca> wrote: >And I've heard there are some places in the world that people eat >lizards too. > > !!! > >^^^^%--- > " \ Yikes! How barbaric. I think that llizard is culturally biassed! I wonder why people think fish are more evolved than lizards, and it is fine to eat fish, but not lizards. The arid conditions in Australia suited the evolution of reptiles, and there is great diversity among them. The aboriginals ate lizards, which were generally caught by hurling a non-returning boomerang at them as they ran, or using a spear. I have heard that they tast great, but have never tried them. I have eaten crocodile, which I did so that it would not eat me. Well, I ate part of it in a restaraunt. I found it boring, and I am not referring to its conversational abilities. Australians generally perform very well in Olympic swimming. This is because they are gentically selected. Every child is thrown in among the crocodiles, and the ones which can outswim the crocs are allowed to breed. Once llizard gets over his revulsion to the idea of eating lizards, we have an 8.7 metre crocodile (28 feet long) waiting for his culinary prowess. Unfortunately the government won't let us know where it is, as some nut would want to shoot it. I guess you will have to do with an 18 footer. BTW, does anybody have good pics of kangaroos? Cheers Ian (To write to me, remove the anti-spam "xx" from my e-mail address)
Veronica Karlsson <e93...@nospam.sm.luth.se> wrote: >They had an "Australian week" in one of the school restaurants here a >while ago and they served kangaroo burgers one day (I didn't buy one). Kangaroo is the finest meat I have eaten. It leaves beef for dead. It is low fat and fine fibred, and has relatively high levels of sugars and a nice flavour. Ian (To write to me, remove the anti-spam "xx" from my e-mail address)
Ian Lowery wrote: [ 8< ] > Australians generally perform very well in Olympic swimming. This is > because they are gentically selected. Every child is thrown in among > the crocodiles, and the ones which can outswim the crocs are allowed > to breed. How do you mean? Why not show the rest of us an ascii photo of this? [ 8< ] -- :) Veronica Karlsson ( e93...@sm.luth.se http://www.ludd.luth.se/~vk/ )
Ian Lowery wrote: > > llizard <cq5...@freent.toronto.on.ca> wrote: > > >And I've heard there are some places in the world that people eat > >lizards too. > > > > !!! > > > >^^^^%--- > > " \ Yikes! How barbaric. > > I think that llizard is culturally biassed! > I think llizard meant that as a joke... (llizard eating lizard = cannibalism...) [ 8< ] -- :) Veronica Karlsson ( e93...@sm.luth.se http://www.ludd.luth.se/~vk/ )
Hello: CHESS & CHECKERS, SOMETHING DIFFERENT. Take a look at our homepage to see a new version that's being played. http://home.att.net/~maureenjones comments to: mau...@worldnet.att.net Thanks, Maureen
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|__ __| |
| | | |__ ___
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.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/
| |
| \_, This is a sample of the humor and art of The Funny Bone,
| | a free weekly e-mailing of jokes and funny stories, il-
| | lustrated with the original ASCII artwork of Joan Stark.
.' \ If you enjoy this and would like to have The Funny Bone
( , ) e-mailed to you each week, free of charge, then follow
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The Funny Bone Bad Answer Man Presents...
.&&&&&&&&&&&&&.
Fashion Tips For The Very Poor .&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&.
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Being penniless doesn't mean you &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
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'&&\ `::: :::` /&&'
Two scrap 2 x 4s, available at any &&&`/\:` .-.-. `:/\`&&&
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Chrome bumpers, split around the corners and accompanied by a lawnmower
grass pouch, can approximate that "tiny silver backpack" thing that's
really hot with the baby t-shirt and barrette set.
Like the cool, "keys on a janitor's chain" look that's so popular with
the club kids? Any metal gate, cut apart with a hacksaw can be wound
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If all the metal gates near your house are electrical, try shorting the
circuit with your kid brother!
Old toothpaste caps, cut in half and glued to your gums with epoxy, can
cover up any embarrassing gaps in your smile caused by rotting teeth!
Large plastic garbage bags can be cut into a variety of snug fitting
and sexy dresses for all occasions! Just make sure to make airholes in
the bag so you don't smell like a sweaty pig!
Gangrenous sores threatening to ruin your prom? A healthy dose of col-
ored electrical tape can cover them up in minutes. Tell your friends
you are wearing red tape to signify your support for AIDS victims.
They'll be so impressed with your social awareness, they won't notice
any tell-tale rotting!
Think of yourself as "Mr. Retro" but don't have the wallet to back up
the claim? Create your own JAMS, those colorful Bermuda shorts from
the Reagan era, by duct taping rotting vegetables to your thighs! Look
out, Spuds McKenzie!
Proud of your African heritage but too unskilled to weave a multi-
colored tapestry? Old bath towels, even those with "Roger Rabbit" or
"Pee Wee's Playhouse" insignias, can be cut into great African
dashikis!
Live in a shanty-town with no services? A fully-juiced car battery can
provide up to two hours of electrical power for your curling iron!
Professional tattoos are expensive, and homemade ones make you look
like you've spent a lot of time in jail. Now you can mutilate your
skin the discount way! Clods of dirt, colorful industrial chemicals,
and hunks of hot tar fresh off the summer street can be mixed together
and seared into human flesh to create exciting designs!
Want to look smart, but can't afford eyeglasses? Discarded jelly jars,
held together by a wire clothes hanger can make even the biggest dull-
ard look like an instant Pointdexter!
Funny Bone Reminder:
The Bad Answer Man's advice is not always the best advice, but, it *IS*
always *FREE* advice... So if you have a question for the Funny Bone
Bad Answer Man please e-mail it to...
adv...@funnybone.com
_ .-.
John Nunley <jok...@funnybone.com> ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
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/ '.
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Welcome To... _______ _
|__ __| |
| | | |__ ___
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/
| |
| \_, This is a sample of the humor and art of The Funny Bone,
| | a free weekly e-mailing of jokes and funny stories, il-
| | lustrated with the original ASCII artwork of Joan Stark.
.' \ If you enjoy this and would like to have The Funny Bone
( , ) e-mailed to you each week, free of charge, then follow
'--' '-' the subscription instructions in the signature.
.----------------. An idiot was waiting in the down-
|_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I]___ town L. A. bus station for the
.::. | _ : ; _ ) bus to Pasadena. He spotted a
jgs ':::'' ='-(_)----------=-(_)-' machine with a sign that read:
YOUR HEIGHT, YOUR WEIGHT, YOUR FORTUNE $1.00
He stepped on the scale and dropped a dollar bill in the slot. Out came
a card that said: "You are 5 feet 10 inches tall. You weigh 160 pounds,
and you are waiting for the bus to Pasadena."
The idiot said, "How did that machine know that? Well, I'll fool it."
He went downstairs to the men's room, rolled up his coat collar, pulled
down the brim of his hat, and put on a fake beard. He tiptoed back up
the stairs, sneaked along the wall, spun around and jumped on the scale
and quickly placed another dollar in the slot.
Out came a card that read: "You are 5 feet 10 inches tall, you weigh
160 pounds, and while you were screwing around down in the men's room,
you missed the bus to Pasadena."
_ .-.
John Nunley <jok...@funnybone.com> ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
Write to <sub...@funnybone.com> to learn more | |
about the Funny Bone and to have subscription | |
instructions automatically e-mailed to you. _|66 |
(__, |
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,_/ |
ASCII Art by Joan Stark | |
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/ '.
The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , )
http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'
Welcome To... _______ _
|__ __| |
| | | |__ ___
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/
| |
| \_, This is a sample of the humor and art of The Funny Bone,
| | a free weekly e-mailing of jokes and funny stories, il-
| | lustrated with the original ASCII artwork of Joan Stark.
.' \ If you enjoy this and would like to have The Funny Bone
( , ) e-mailed to you each week, free of charge, then follow
'--' '-' the subscription instructions in the signature.
/:""| .****,
(\/) |:`66|_ @@@@@\ `, A man is going to work one day and
\/ C` _)aa`@@@\ \ accidentally slams his penis in the
\ ._| (_ ?@@| \ car door. Goes to the doctor, and
)_/ =' @@@@| | the doctor says, "We're going to have
/`\8\ \(```/ | to put a splint on that."
|| |8| /^^\ | /
|| |8| /\::/|| | The guy says, "No way Doc, I'm getting
|| |8| \ | ||| \ married in a week."
|| |~| \| ||| \
:| |=: |:|\\.:.:.::. The Doc replies "Well if we don't,
||_|,| |:| \ ':':':` it's going to be bent for the rest of
\)))|| ((( | your life."
| :|| | | (\/)
| :|| | | \/ Finally the guy agrees, and the doctor
) :|| | \ gets out a couple of tongue depressors
| :|| | `\ and some tape and fixes him up.
| :|| |:.:. `~-._
|_:||_ /~))\ `~~-._ ...A week later, and he's on
jgs (_,__)) /_/YY `':':':':':':` his honeymoon...
His new wife is doing a slow, seductive strip-tease in front of him.
She takes off her bra and says, "See these, they've never been touched
by a man before." She then takes off her panties and says, "See this,
it's never been seen by a man before."
So the husband whips off his shorts and says, "See this, it's not even
out of the crate yet!"
_ .-.
John Nunley <jok...@funnybone.com> ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
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about the Funny Bone and to have subscription | |
instructions automatically e-mailed to you. _|66 |
(__, |
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,_/ |
ASCII Art by Joan Stark | |
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | |
/ '.
The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , )
http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'
Welcome To... _______ _
|__ __| |
| | | |__ ___
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/
| |
| \_, This is a sample of the humor and art of The Funny Bone,
| | a free weekly e-mailing of jokes and funny stories, il-
| | lustrated with the original ASCII artwork of Joan Stark.
.' \ If you enjoy this and would like to have The Funny Bone
( , ) e-mailed to you each week, free of charge, then follow
'--' '-' the subscription instructions in the signature.
Wong Tu had been living and working in a foreign country for a while
and had some cash to spare. Every month he would go to the bank to
send the same amount home to his poor relatives, but every month his
relatives would receive less money. Eventually he decided to lodge a
complaint with the bank.
"I'm really sorry," the bank clerk said, .-.
"it is because of fluctuations." |-|
| |
Wong Tu was furious and demanded to see the _.-|=|-.
manager. The manager had only one word for / | | | |
Wong Tu. "Fluctuations," he said. | |\
| /
"Well in that case," shouted Wong Tu, \ /`
"fluck you too!" jgs | |
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
.-"-.
.' '.
| |
\ /
[_______]
|## ,| A man was looking all over town to find a
|#' ,#| friend of his. He walked down the street
|' ,##| and came to a barber shop.
| ,###|
|,###'| He stuck his head inside and asked,
|###' | "Bob Peters here?"
|##' ,|
|#' #| The barber replied,
|___##| "Nah, we just do shaves and haircuts."
[_______]
\ /
| |
_ .-.
John Nunley <jok...@funnybone.com> ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
Write to <sam...@funnybone.com> to learn more | |
about the Funny Bone and to have subscription | |
instructions automatically e-mailed to you. _|66 |
(__, |
For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)|
http://www.funnybone.com | |
,_/ |
ASCII Art by Joan Stark | |
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | |
/ '.
The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , )
http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'
Welcome To... _______ _
|__ __| |
| | | |__ ___
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/
| |
| \_, This is a sample of the humor and art of The Funny Bone,
| | a free weekly e-mailing of jokes and funny stories, il-
| | lustrated with the original ASCII artwork of Joan Stark.
.' \ If you enjoy this and would like to have The Funny Bone
( , ) e-mailed to you each week, free of charge, then follow
'--' '-' the subscription instructions in the signature.
The (Future) Diary of a Mad Digital Homeowner:
Nov 28, 1999: Moved in to my new digitally-maxed out Hermosa Beach
house at last. Finally, we live in the smartest house in the neighbor-
hood. Everything's networked. The cable TV is connected to our
phone, which is connected to
my personal computer, which _ _
is connected to the power ( Y )
lines, all the appliances \ / \ /
and the security system. \ /^\ _
Everything runs ) //^\\ -= (_) =-
.-==-. off a universal ( // \\
|O===| remote with the ) // \\ / \
|::::| friendliest in- __ // \\
|::::| terface I've ever |=^| // _ \\
|::==| used. Program- __|= |__// (+) \\
|==oo| ming is a snap. /LLLLLLL// ~ \\
'----' I'm like, tot- /LLLLLLL// \\
ally wired. /LLLLLLL// \\
/LLLLLLL// |~[|]~| |~[|]~| \\
Nov 30: Hot Stuff! ^| [|] // | [|] | | [|] | \\
Programmed my VCR from | [|] ^| |_[|]_| |_[|]_| |^
the office, turned up ___|______| |
the thermostat and /LLLLLLLLLL|_____________________|
switched on the /LLLLLLLLLLL/LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL\
lights with the /LLLLLLLLLLL/LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL\
car phone, remote- ^||^^^^^^^^/LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL\
ly tweaked the oven || |~[|]~|^^||^^^^^^^^^^||^|~[|]~|^||^^
a few degrees for my || | [|] | || |~~~~| || | [|] | ||
pizza. Everything || |_[|]_| || | [] | || |_[|]_| ||
nice and cozy when ||__________|| | o| ||_________||
I arrived. Maybe .'||][][][][][|| | [] | ||[][][][][||.'.
I should get the ."'||[][][][][]||_-`----'-_||][][][][]||"."
universal remote .(')^(.)(').( )'^@/-- -- - --\@( )'( ).(( )^(.)
surgically '( )^(`)'.(').( )@/-- -- - -- -\@ (.)'(.),( ).(').
attached. ".'.'." ." '.". @/- - --- -- - -\@ '.".'.".'.".'."
jgs'' ".".".'.'@/ - -- -- -- -- -\@".'..'".'."'.'.'
Dec 1: Had '.".".''.".''."@/ -- --- --- -- - -\@.".''.".''.".'".
to call the
SmartHouse people today about bandwidth problems. The TV drops to about
2 frames/second when I'm talking on the phone. They insist it's a prob-
lem with the cable company's compression algo-
\ / rithms. How do they expect me to order things
\/ from the Home Shopping Channel?
.===============.
| .-----------. | Dec 2: Got my first SmartHouse invoice today
| | | | and was unpleasantly surprised. I suspect the
| | HSC | | cleaning woman of reading Usenet from the
| | | | __ washing machine interface when I'm not
| '-----------'o| |o.| here. She must downloading one hell
|===============| |::| of a lot of GIFs from the binary groups,
jgs |###############| |::| because packet charges were through the
'===============' '--' roof on the invoice.
___________,_____
Dec 3: Yesterday, the kitchen CRASHED. Freak | | # |=====|
event. As I opened the refrigerator door, the | | (_) |=====|
light bulb blew. Immediately, everything else |> _ |_____|=====|
electrical shut down: lights, microwave, coffee | [_] | | |
maker... everything. Carefully unplugged and | |_____|=====|
and replugged all the appliances. Nothing. | | |_____|
Call the cable company (but not from the kit- | ] |_____| |
chen phone). They refer me to the utility. | |_____|=====|
The utility insists that the problem is in the | | ___ |_____|
software. So the software company runs some |> |[___]| |
remote telediagnostics via my house processor. | |[___]|=====|
Their expert system claims it has to be the |_____|=====|_____|
utility's fault. I don't care, I just want my [###########] jgs
kitchen back. More phone calls; more remote
diag's. Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode": The
network had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was
open. So the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and
shut down the entire kitchen. But because sensor memory confirmed that
there hadn't actually been a power surge, the kitchen logic sequence
was confused and it couldn't do a standard restart. The utility guy
swears this was the first time this has ever happened. Rebooting the
kitchen took over an hour.
Dec 7: The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them for
help. We discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25
decibels, it creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified
when they hit the window. When these vibrations mix with a gust of
wind, the security sensors are actuated, and the police computer con-
cludes that someone is trying to break in. Go figure. Another glitch:
Whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the universal remote
won't let me change the channels on my TV. That means I actually have
to get up off the couch and change the channels by hand. The software
and the utility people say this flaw will be fixed in the next upgrade:
SmartHouse 2.1. But it's not ready yet. Finally, I'm starting to sus-
pect that the microwave is secretly tuning into the cable system to
watch Bay Watch. The unit is completely inoperable during that same
hour. I guess I can live with that. At least the blender is not tun-
ing in to old I Love Lucy episodes.
Dec 9: I just bought the new Microsoft Home. Took 93 gigabytes of
storage, but it will be worth it, I think. The house should be much
easier to use and should really do everything. I had to sign a second
mortgage over to Microsoft, but I don't mind: I don't really own my
house now--it's really the bank. Let them deal with Microsoft.
___ Dec 10: I'm beginning to have doubts about Microsoft House. I
\~/ keep getting an hour glass symbol showing up when I want to run
/_\ the dishwasher.
Dec 12: This is a nightmare. There's a virus in the house. My per-
sonal computer caught it while browsing on the public access network.
I come home and the living room is a sauna, the bedroom windows are
covered with ice, the refrigerator has defrosted, the washing machine
has flooded the basement, the garage door is cycling up and down and
the TV is stuck on the home shopping channel. Throughout the house,
lights flicker like stroboscopes until they explode from the strain.
Broken glass is everywhere. Of course, the security sensors detect
nothing. I look at a message slowly throbbing on my personal computer
screen:
WELCOME TO HomeWrecker!!! NOW THE FUN BEGINS...
(Be it ever so humble, there's no virus like the HomeWrecker...).
Dec 18: They think they've digitally disinfected the house, but the
place is a shambles. Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure
we've got the part of the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless, the
Exorcists (as the anti-virus SWAT team members like to call themselves)
are confident the worst is over. "HomeWrecker is pretty bad" one he
tells me, "but consider yourself lucky you didn't get PolterGeist.
That one is really evil."
Dec 19: Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses. "Fires and
mudslides, yes," says the claims adjuster. "Viruses, no." My agree-
ment with the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all claims and
warranties are null and void if any appliance or computer in my house
networks in any way, shape or form with a non-certified online service.
Everybody's very, very, sorry, but they can't be expected to anticipate
every virus that might be created. We call our lawyer. He laughs.
He's excited!
Dec 21: I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep. As a special holi-
day offer, we get the free opportunity to become a beta site for the
company's new SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade. He says I'll be able to meet the
programmers personally. "Sure," I tell him.
_ .-.
John Nunley <jok...@funnybone.com> ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
Write to <sam...@funnybone.com> to learn more | |
about the Funny Bone and to have subscription | |
instructions automatically e-mailed to you. _|66 |
(__, |
For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)|
http://www.funnybone.com | |
,_/ |
ASCII Art by Joan Stark | |
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | |
/ '.
The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , )
http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'
Welcome To... _______ _
|__ __| |
| | | |__ ___
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/
| |
| \_, This is a sample of the humor and art of The Funny Bone,
| | a free weekly e-mailing of jokes and funny stories, il-
| | lustrated with the original ASCII artwork of Joan Stark.
.' \ If you enjoy this and would like to have The Funny Bone
( , ) e-mailed to you each week, free of charge, then follow
'--' '-' the subscription instructions in the signature.
_ .-=-. .-==-. A girl entered the
{ } __ .' O o '. / -<' ) family bathroom unex-
{ } .' O'. / o .-. O \ / .--v` pected while her father
{ } / .-. o\ /O / \ o\ /O / was bathing. She let
\ `-` / \ O`-'o / \ O`-`o / out a shriek, then ran
jgs `-.-` '.____.' `.____. out of the room...
"Mommy, mommy! Daddy has a big, ugly snake in the tub with him!" the
girl screamed.
"It's not a snake, honey," her mother began to explain, "it's part of
Daddy's body--an important part. In fact, if Daddy didn't have it, you
wouldn't be here."
As the child ran off to play, her mother thought to herself...
"And neither would I........"
_ .-.
John Nunley <jok...@funnybone.com> ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
Write to <sam...@funnybone.com> to learn more | |
about the Funny Bone and to have subscription | |
instructions automatically e-mailed to you. _|66 |
(__, |
For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)|
http://www.funnybone.com | |
,_/ |
ASCII Art by Joan Stark | |
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | |
/ '.
The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , )
http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'
Welcome To... _______ _
|__ __| |
| | | |__ ___
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/
| |
| \_, This is a sample of the humor and art of The Funny Bone,
| | a free weekly e-mailing of jokes and funny stories, il-
| | lustrated with the original ASCII artwork of Joan Stark.
.' \ If you enjoy this and would like to have The Funny Bone
( , ) e-mailed to you each week, free of charge, then follow
'--' '-' the subscription instructions in the signature.
One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not find-
ing his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to
check her bedroom.
He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also
come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked,
/\,%,_ heavily into the act of lovemaking.
\%%%/,\
_.-"%%|//% Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents
.' .-" /%%% continue as if nothing was wrong. Billy watches
_.-'_.-" 0) \%%% and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy,
/.\.' \%%% can I climb on and have a horsie ride?"
\ / _, %%
`"---"~`\ _,*'\%%' _,--""""-,%%, "Of course, Son, we're family."
)*^ `""~~` \%%%,
_/ \%%% So Billy climbs on and after
_.-`/ |%%,___ a few more minutes his
_.-" / , , ,|%% .`\ mother starts moaning
/\ / / `\ \%' \ / and writhing wildly.
\ \ _,/ /`~-._ _,`\ \`""~~`
`"` /-.,_ /' `~"----"~ `\ \ "Hang on Dad!", cries
jgs \___,' \.-"`/ Billy, "this is where me and
`--' the mailman usually fall off!"
_ .-.
John Nunley <jok...@funnybone.com> ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
Write to <sam...@funnybone.com> to learn more | |
about the Funny Bone and to have subscription | |
instructions automatically e-mailed to you. _|66 |
(__, |
For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)|
http://www.funnybone.com | |
,_/ |
ASCII Art by Joan Stark | |
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | |
/ '.
The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , )
http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'
Welcome To... _______ _
|__ __| |
| | | |__ ___
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/
| |
| \_, This is a sample of the humor and art of The Funny Bone,
| | a free weekly e-mailing of jokes and funny stories, il-
| | lustrated with the original ASCII artwork of Joan Stark.
.' \ If you enjoy this and would like to have The Funny Bone
( , ) e-mailed to you each week, free of charge, then follow
'--' '-' the subscription instructions in the signature.
___,
_.-'` __|__ I Need Your Help!!!
.' ,-:` \;',`'-,
/ .'-;_,; ':-;_,'. I saw a report recently, about how gravity,
/ /; '/ , _`.-\ which is a non-renewable resource, is grad-
| | '`. (` /` ` \`| ually diminishing. Top scientists agree...
| |:. `\`-. \_ / |
| | ( `, .`\ ;'| "With the present rate of consumption,
\ \ | .' `-'/ the earth's supply of gravity will be
\ `. ;/ .' exhausted before the 24th century."
'._ `'-._____.-'`
`-.____| There is a direct link between the vanish-
_____|_____ ing of the ozone layer and decrease in the
jgs /___________\ earth's gravity supply. We're already see-
ing the effects of the disappearance of the
ozone layer, but we're not likely to see the effects of vanishing grav-
ity during our lifetimes. However, our children will probably have to
deal with the issue.
It is interesting to think of some of the results science has yet to
consider. The obvious impact will be on engineering (like keeping
bridges and buildings weighted down), but what about sports? Breaking
records for the high jump will become easier. Football kicks will like-
ly grow longer and an 82-yard field goal will not be unheard of. Limbo
dancing will be more difficult and even Louis Anderson will be able to
run the hurdles.
Until scientists discover a cheaper alternative, we need to help...
PLEASE CONSERVE GRAVITY
Follow these simple suggestions:
(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
curling.
(4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one
big pile.
(6) Stop flipping pancakes
Any other suggestions for ways to conserve this precious natural
resource will be appreciated. Please e-mail your gravity conservation
tips to...
<gra...@funnybone.com>
This is *not* a joke. What could be more serious? After all, gravity is
the opposite of comedy! You may be laughing now, but just picture your
great grandchildren wearing safety tethers, unable to play outdoors for
fear of floating away in a wind storm. Please be gravity conscious.
_ .-.
John Nunley <jok...@funnybone.com> ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
Write to <sam...@funnybone.com> to learn more | |
about the Funny Bone and to have subscription | |
instructions automatically e-mailed to you. _|66 |
(__, |
For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)|
http://www.funnybone.com | |
,_/ |
ASCII Art by Joan Stark | |
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | |
/ '.
The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , )
http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'
> Please be gravity conscious.
Ilove your stuff...thanks for a laugh
Kate Send in the clowns
In article <199...@ladder02.news.aol.com>,
kro...@aol.com (KRopos) wrote:
> Kate Send in the clowns
.
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NOTE: If you hit the reply button, add an "e" to the "freent";
its absense is to stop the torment of automatic mailers.
--
o *
o /\
o ,^^%---
\_<_o \ Have you seen my juggling animation?
o >
__>,^ llizard aka ejm cq5...@freenet.toronto.on.ca
ejm97 / |__ http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Studios/9334/
Welcome To... _______ _
|__ __| |
| | | |__ ___
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/
| |
| \_, This is a sample of the humor and art of The Funny Bone,
| | a free weekly e-mailing of jokes and funny stories, il-
| | lustrated with the original ASCII artwork of Joan Stark.
.' \ If you enjoy this and would like to have The Funny Bone
( , ) e-mailed to you each week, free of charge, then follow
'--' '-' the subscription instructions in the signature.
Who Were The Pilgrims?
This is a selection from a book called "Then Some Other Things
Happened", a collection of short pieces about history written by eighth
graders and compiled by Bill Lawrence, a teacher and columnist.
.:.
.:. \|/ .:.
The Pilgrims were a _ \\,/// \|/ | \|/
bunch of English _/_\_ ___ \\|/// <#> | \|<#> |
wonderers who (") /.-.\ (")\\ \|<#>|/ \| /
wanted to _ //U\\ |(")| //-\\\ | \| /<#>/
worship as ( ) _ \|_|/ /)v(\ <#>_/|_|/\\ \ |/ |/ \|
they wanted (_` )_('> | | \/~\/ |||\\\ \| | |/
to. They (__,~_)8 ||| //_\\ ||| \\ |/ \| / \| /
escaped jgs _YY_ _[|]_ /_____\ _[|]_ \| |/ |/
the Church """"""""'""'""'"""""'""""'""'"""'"""""''"'"""^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
of England
and came over here because they heard that American churches were dif-
ferent. The May Flower was the ship with which they came in. It didn't
have a bathroom on board so there was quite an odor. Priscilla Mullins
was the captain.
First the Pilgrims had gone to Holland but left when their children
started developing customs there. After a stopover at Williamsburg when
a large storm blew them off course they landed on a big, slimey rock in
Massachusetts. They spent the winter there.
Before they got off the ship even they drew up an agreement for the
people of Plymouth to agree on the voting for governors and congress-
men. They kept this hid in the May Flower Compact. Lord Delaware was
elected the first governor of Plymouth Rock.
.-""""-._.'| A friendly Indian named Rhone Oak
/ '.| | showed the Pilgrams how to plant
/ | / ( corn by putting it in the ground.
| -= | /| ) (
| |/`< ) ) Rhone Oak had been the
; -=| _| ______ first Indian to come to
\ \ / .' `. /) America and always wanted
'._ _.-""-.< .' `\/) a beer. He traveled
/ / \ / ___ .--'`/| around with Miles Standy
_ / | '-._( ____\ (____/_/=, and translated language.
( \| \ -=/ /--;==============` He knew enough English to
._,;'\==='-,..__/__/__.' interupt.
`'--/,/ || ' \
/ | / || ' \ Another interupter for the white man was
\/ . || ; Squanto, who was called that because he
jgs / / || | was so short. Squanto drew up a declara-
| . || | tion to give the settlers freedom of
/ '=------| goverment in the new land. The Pilgrams
/ ' ; ; ;| gave the Indians thanks for all this and
`-.___.___.___.___._/ that's what started Thanksgiving.
The Pilgrams then appointed | But if these people wouldn't
Thanksgiving as a national | had of come to America the
holiday. Abraham Lincoln | United States wouldn't
later pronounced it and gave | \ be like it is /
it to them and it soon became | `I=. today. .=I`
a national holiday all around | /|\ `"=I._ _.I="` /|\
the world. | |/|\| /|\ `"=I="` /|\ |/|\|
| |/|\| |/|\| /|\ |/|\| |/|\|
These people always wore old | |/#\| |/|\| |/|\| |/|\| |/#\|
shoes with a big buckel on the | |###| |/#\| |/|\| |/#\| |###|
top of them. The men wore | \#/ |###| |/#\| |###| \#/
pants that only came a little | ` \#/ |###| \#/ `
ways past the knees and the | ` |###| ` jgs
girls wore funny bonets. | \#/
`
_ .-.
John Nunley <jok...@funnybone.com> ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
Write to <sam...@funnybone.com> to learn more | |
about the Funny Bone and to have subscription | |
instructions automatically e-mailed to you. _|66 |
(__, |
For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)|
http://www.funnybone.com | |
,_/ |
ASCII Art by Joan Stark | |
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | |
/ '.
The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , )
http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'
Welcome To... _______ _
|__ __| |
| | | |__ ___
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/
| |
| \_, This is a sample of the humor and art of The Funny Bone,
| | a free weekly e-mailing of jokes and funny stories, il-
| | lustrated with the original ASCII artwork of Joan Stark.
.' \ If you enjoy this and would like to have The Funny Bone
( , ) e-mailed to you each week, free of charge, then follow
'--' '-' the subscription instructions in the signature.
/:""| .****,
(\/) |:`66|_ @@@@@\ `, A man is going to work one day and
\/ C` _)aa`@@@\ \ accidentally slams his penis in the
\ ._| (_ ?@@| \ car door. Goes to the doctor, and
)_/ =' @@@@| | the doctor says, "We're going to have
/`\8\ \(```/ | to put a splint on that."
|| |8| /^^\ | /
|| |8| /\::/|| | The guy says, "No way Doc, I'm getting
|| |8| \ | ||| \ married in a week."
|| |~| \| ||| \
:| |=: |:|\\.:.:.::. The Doc replies "Well if we don't,
||_|,| |:| \ ':':':` it's going to be bent for the rest of
\)))|| ((( | your life."
| :|| | | (\/)
| :|| | | \/ Finally the guy agrees, and the doctor
) :|| | \ gets out a couple of tongue depressors
| :|| | `\ and some tape and fixes him up.
| :|| |:.:. `~-._
|_:||_ /~))\ `~~-._ ...A week later, and he's on
jgs (_,__)) /_/YY `':':':':':':` his honeymoon...
His new wife is doing a slow, seductive strip-tease in front of him.
She takes off her bra and says, "See these, they've never been touched
by a man before." She then takes off her panties and says, "See this,
it's never been seen by a man before."
So the husband whips off his shorts and says, "See this, it's not even
out of the crate yet!"
_ .-.
John Nunley <jok...@funnybone.com> ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
Write to <sam...@funnybone.com> to learn more | |
about the Funny Bone and to have subscription | |
instructions automatically e-mailed to you. _|66 |
(__, |
For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)|
http://www.funnybone.com | |
,_/ |
ASCII Art by Joan Stark | |
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | |
/ '.
The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , )
http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'
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